Australia-India test series 2007-8: POST-SYDNEY FARCE
An appeal to the Indian cricketers
By A "cool" fan of Indian cricket, Kashinath Bhattacharjee
The Aussie way to play cricket ‘hard’
1) If any bowler gets me out eight times, we should bring a baseless allegation of racism against him and ban him with the aid of WHITE Umpires and a WHITE Match Referee.
2) We shall BUY the umpires. If we are in trouble, they will say ‘not out’ after we had nicked and make the wrong a ‘right’ one by giving another wrong decision to fool the world. And be assured of the fact that, in between the two decisions, the team will come out of danger. After all they are men in WHITE coats, so they would do anything for the WHITES!
3) Wait if we nick the ball. Watch the fielder to catch the ball and still wait. Since we are always ‘honest and fair’ on a cricket field, our waiting on the wicket may give the umpires an opportunity to call it a no ball. Don’t deny them the opportunity!
4) If we catch it on one-drop, we shall claim that we had caught it right and playing the game in the ‘true spirit’ of the game. After all, the umpires are getting paid to make ‘decisions’ while our job is to ‘appeal’!
5) If, at any time, our integrity is questioned, we will say bravely, boldly, "you don't have any right to stand there".
6) Throughout the history of the game, we could not play an off-spinner. So we shall hire Daryll Harper or people like-minded, to call the bowler a cheat, especially if he is a Sri Lankan, at the very first opportunity!
7) We have every right to comment on the forefathers of the opposition cricketers, ICC Manuals do support this. But make no mistake, the opposition has absolutely no right to do so.
8) If we can not chase 110 runs in the fourth innings of a test match, the pitch is to be blamed. We should stamp, spit and piss on it, like we did in Mumbai three years before. We can call for a condolence, too, our captain keeping an eye on the stop-watch to observe two minutes of silence to mourn the death of wicket and cricket, simultaneously. But, and this is serious, when the opposition can not do the same, it's only due to their cricketing inabilities and nothing else. They are poms, whining...
9) Our umpires should be umpiring in the matches involving our team once our team had shown signs of being weakened. Remember Steven Waugh advocating Tauffel, on the second day of the SCG Test match?
10) We shall send our coaches throughout the world to ensure that the other teams are dismantled when our graph is downwards.
11) We had played the game with utter disrespect to all the countries and "we will continue to do the same". But don't make a mistake, others have no RIGHT to call us cheats even if we are caught red-handed!
12) We are always right, you are always wrong - Sunil Gavaskar, do remember what Dennis Lille said to you!
HOW TO COUNTER
They play it “hard”, Indians should play it “cool”!
There is no need to play the series any more in absence of fairness. But, to teach them a “soft” lesson, play the remaining test matches in Perth and Adelaide and play strategically.
Indian cricketers, you must remember MK Gandhi. Or, if you had forgotten what he preached, rewind the DVD of Lage Raho...
“Gandhigiri” is the only solution to what they are facing DOWN UNDER. That was true in the apartehid-ridden South Africa, some hundred and fifty years before. It is still relevant in Australia in 2008.
But how to do so? Follow these:
1) Go to bat. Leave the ball. Let it go to the "greatest sports-person of the century" behind the stumps, who had once "walked" in a world cup semi-final. Then, WALK! Umpires cannot say anything if you feel you had nicked it and they cannot prevent you since there is no such law in cricket!
2) If you cannot leave the ball for the wicketkeeper, use your pad to stop it and WALK! You feel your legs were before the wicket. WALK!
3) Don't get out bowled! This time, the umpire may overrule it, so at least you ensure a touch in the pads and without looking at any one, WALK!
4) Please do not hesitate to WALK or do not look at any other player or umpire. Just, WALK!
So, this way, you will give the first opponent bowler a double hattrick in his very first over and the second, four wickets in four deliveries.
The team will be “WALKED” out at zero, in 1.4 overs, the smallest innings test cricket has ever seen. No 8, the captain, will be there, not out at the end of the innings, without facing a delivery, since he would be coming at the fall of the sixth wicket at the end of the first over.
Then, WHILE BOWLING
1) Make it a must that you do not appeal. Just NEVER! There is no rule in cricket that allows the umpire to give his verdict if not asked for. In that way you are erasing the possibility of getting anyone out.
2) Do not bowl in the line of the stumps. You cannot trust your opponent. They may be spirited enough to miss it. So, NEVER bowl in the line of the stumps. It hardly matters if you bowl outside off or leg, you are not bowling to get wickets, remember that first.
3) If there is any catch offered, just DROP it. You can never be penalised by any of the cricketing authorities for dropping a catch.
4) Just do not try to stop any ball going to the ropes. ALLOW it to go over.
5) MS Dhoni, please allow all the balls to go for byes...your 'byes' may score more than any batsman (Brian Lara’s record will be at stake!), but that will be a world record and should not be a problem for you.
6) The best way is to OPEN the bowling with Kumble. The captain has to ensure that he bowls every delivery illegitimate. Step over the crease and bowl lolly-pops. A no-ball will rule out every possibility of getting a decision in favour of the bowler since nobody in the Indian camp will be trying to get the batsman run-out either. That way, even if the good-natured batsmen of the opposition try to get themselves out, can not do so!
In one session a bowler will have to bowl 180 illegitimate deliveries to give the opponent at least 180 runs. Still there will be not a single legitimate delivery to count. Umpires can not prevent you from bowling no-balls and since you had overstepped, neither they can say that any bowler will be prevented or disallowed to bowl if he bowls consecutive 3/4/5/6 or 234 no balls at a stretch. Cricket rule books do not support it. You are playing well within the rules. They will be bound to allow you to bowl no-balls.
This way, in two sessions, runs will be more than 600 (360 no balls and 240 runs scored off those deliveries through byes and bats!)
So, you will not be able to claim a single wicket in five days. And there will be no shortage of runs, either. If the opposition captain be kind enough (he is so good-natured, we all know!) to declare at 700 for no loss (Vinoo Mankad and Pankaj Roy, we'll never forget you, red salute to you, but...), FOLLOW the steps while batting again, ie, to be all out after 1.4 overs, scoring zero again.
The emphatic win will call for more celebrations. It's the 17th consecutive, the highest and with the highest margin of victory - an innings and 700 runs. There will be more reasons to celebrate and to play the game in the rightest of spirits in Adelaide where the late Sir Donald lived and died, for a memorable 18th consecutive victory!
Come on Kumble and Co. Do this in Perth and Adelaide.
Make it a farce, just like they had done it in the SCG. You are now on a crusade, so use your best weapon that Gandhi had used - Breaking Law in Satyagraho, a Perth March!
You were brilliant in charging them in their own “WOODFUL” words, now do this.
The rest will be taken care of, all the cricket-lovers of the world will ensure that except some “MONKEYS”.
Show the world what "Gandhigiri" is all about. Lage Raho Kumble bhai...